Jolly June to Jaunty January

much has happened on from that May of Change... 

A blank canvas every time I step out onto the AMU ... and the return back to a still semi functional home. The desk of craft dormant with stuff waiting to decide on whether to continue my hobbies of Art Design and Craft. 

The dressing table. Clothes. The hair bobs, Alice Bands Thr style of formal to a generic capsule wardrobe The gradually process of collating. The DIY scattered along with kitchen stuff decisions .. I have chucked much not used. The debate of cost in rash decisions ... 

In a return back after another much needed break of disturbance in stale air . I will demolish my daughters desk .. slip it in the rubbish. That will reduce the cost of a collection that I will have for pick ups 

I will also start sleeping between rooms ... the incentive to have half rooms in operational mode for living or in this instance sleeping... 

Although the appearance of others floating about in a different realm in the room of disturbed peace puts a different perspective .. I am not actually alone ... 

And finally the next ...

.... Well ... that got posted on Life after Catalystism/ life after loss ... I think it is time for a siesta!!!

A long way on

in the round ... the many segments and memory prompts from not keeping in line with life. The amazing pictorial prompt through the early haze of trauma of the first visits to the city. The first visits to all that been before. 

And the very new people, places and experiences. I still find the path back pretty much elusive if it were not the fact we captured this time through the lens in sacred moments when compelled to, 

.... the many moments just sat in a unfamiliar home with unfamiliar things and clothes of an evening in the dark with no radiio, tv, modern tech or any other stimulus .. 

I sat for hours in total numb bewilderment... not moving for hours on end ... the prompts from a cousin and afar ... berating one for much as much as the assistance ... I really did not want to go on ... I will never truly know how I got through so many days in such mess about me ... the absolute total life disintegrating to a death before anyone did anything 

A lot more in

process and a lot to process ... the odds of a world different in sight after isolation in a forgotten family .... to the care leavers who have no one or nowhere. The human nature dependant on where they fit ...

A time on my own aplenty. The new doors opening. The firmly shut of many already ... the move  from place to place ... the zig zag pace of new and first long road trip with a daughter and her beau. The motorways once again not in a sister car or a strangers or a coach ... 

A time with others. The time in a home sit again and a pet sit first in a while. The dismay at much. The furtive time to make the most ... 

A plan too to spend time in the Lake District that never happened and is now ... 

A month

of seen in much alter within. The confusing time in adjusting where things were put. A time to come to terms with much more. The hardness that comes with loss. The soften in life hiccups never mattering again. The intermix a lot of us experience when we have a loss of a spouse. 

My Auntie became a widow for the second time, last night ... she has never been alone. She married straight on leaving home. Her first husband passed away when they reached their seventies. Her to be second husband, his brother too lost his wife in the same season. They became close. And eventually married. They had  been married for just over a decade, I think. Older love found, beautiful... 

Those of us who are left, when a partner passes. The mixture of those that never marry again, and those who do. And those who have a relationship, but not marry again. The displaced. The ready again to spark a romance, holiday or not ... and the chuckles that I still had it, last summer! Though I declined! The next generation tickled too, though not surprised. 

Apparently no one will be surprised if I announced I had a boyfriend! I wonder why that is ?! 

The tunnels of

time ... the first Inauguration Day in silence ... another of the world of news bypassed me with only awash of hearing snippets of others takes of the day. ... 

This the fragmented time living still. At least some more time elsewhere to expose me for a short while to life outside. The times hard in keeping this new found momentum going ... steady .... 

Thy forthright

inner campaign in thy world .... thy world outside giving a hint it Tis a Weekend day. The tinge of much this year since it started for me, different to the first.

The piece together of a life forever marred. The enhancement in this tattered revival. The conscious difference to some of my peers I am in a different zone ....

I wander among certain groups of people ....I get out at the varying times. I the odd out I would be considered in the school playground.

It is actually an embracement looking outside in ... enhancing my life out of such loss in life